THIS is life

Eyes can't see the way you hold me
Or how I'm hidden in Your heart
Minds don't know all You've told me
Or how I ache for where You are

It's invisible to the world
Incredible to the angels
Not since Eden have they seen this sight
Everlasting life

You are all over,
You are around,
You are inside
This is life, this is life

I come in empty, I leave filled
Bring my sickness, I leave healed
Broken-hearted, You mend every piece
I come in captive, I leave free
-------------------------------
my days. isn't this just how life is?
about two years ago, this song was the song of my soul.
i would listen to it non stop.
just listening to it tonight, i wondered why it ever stopped being the song of my soul

closer

do you know that i love you? because i do. honestly, i do; more then you'll ever know. you're my daughter, my beloved. you HAVE been blessed. you HAVE a destiny: your calling; My call.

keep loving. keep fighting.i've given you desires. not to drive you crazy, but to draw you to me

i think i forget how much i NEED my Creator. How much He actually means to me. how much i actually love Him. how much He actually loves Me. 

life's just become the "dara show" lately. and thats okay, but it's not how it should be. God hasn't slapped me yet. but i'm realizing how big of a fool i've been.like, i try to say all this stuff to sound like God's the centre of everything i do. don't get me wrong, i don't go around telling lies about what God is showing me, because He really is  showing me so much. but how much more could He show me if i actually surrendered EVERYTHING to Him? not just my love life. because- i think my "love life" or whatever, is so complex...God has made it such a part of me.... that in order to fully give it to him, i have to really give him everything. ...not just some small portion of my heart.

but, thats just the beginning.

that one republic song with the line " i need you like a heart needs a beat, but thats  nothing new" 

WOW! i imagine they are talking about some lover or something. but then, am i not talking about the very same thing?i think. i just am coming to terms with how much i need God in my life. my entire life.

i'm sure most people figure this out when they're like 7, but maybe they don't really get it. maybe you don't really get it. how great this love really is. how these desires and needs and pains that we have are there for a reason. and maybe that reason is to draw us closer to the only one who can fully fulfill those desires or needs or pains.

maybe i'm just crazy

this is from john mark mcmillan.

i think i dig it.

With our you I'm just
Water and dust
A disaster a face and a name
Who am I kidding
With out you I'm nothing at all
You catch when I fall
You return all my calls
And your never not around
When I need you
And I always do
On my own
I m more than just alone
I'm colder than religion
I'm colder than stone
With out you I'm
Another waist of time
Like words that only rhyme
But aren't making any sense
Can I get next to you now
Can I lean on your perfection
Can lean on you now
Can I get next to you now
I cant breath with out you any more
With out you I'm left
With just rocks in my chest
Aches and pains that will not recess
The worst is
With out you I've got nothing left to say
You sweeten my days with that light amber haze
And you never could get away
When I need you
And I always need you
Can I get next to you now
Can I lean on your perfection
Can lean on you now
Can I get next to you now
I cant breath with out you any more

......plus. i'm super excited to fall in love. 

and to have these feeling about a person.

not that i want my need for my Father to ever leave. 

but i'm just so stoked; i can't even explain it

from jason upton

Tired of telling you, you have me
When I know you really don't
Tired of telling you I'll follow
When I know I reallly won't
Cause I'd rather stand here speechless
With no great words to say
If my silence is more truthful
And my ears can hear how to walk in your way
In the silence
You are speaking
In the quiet I can feel the fire
And it's burning, burning deeply
Burning all that it is that you desire to be silent, in me
Oh Jesus can you hear me?
My soul is screaming out
And my broken will cries teach me
What your Kingdom's all about
Unite my heart to fear you,
To fear your holy name
Adn create a life of worship
In the spirit and truth of your loving ways

http://generationchurch.org/audio/P1
when you have time
look at February.
the message mistaken love, okay


don't mistake my love for legalism.
thats mistaken love.

...Love is not love
Which alters when it alteration finds,
Or Bends with the remover to remove.
O, no! It is an ever-fixed mark,
That looks on tempests and is never shaken.
It is the star to every wandering bark,
whose worth's unknown, although his height be taken.
-- William Shakespear

hellllllo

it sucks when the obvious isn't discussed.
like. two people are talking, and there is this huge truth or situation that they both know of, but neither can get the guts to bring it up. because it' awkward, or weird, or just easier to ignore it.
stupid stupid elephant in the room.

here is the thing about bestfriends.
they keep me sane
for me, they're almost like God in human form.
don't think i'm horrible for comparing the two.
but, who know us better then the one who created us?
No one.
who on the earth know us better then our best friends?
no one.
i imagine some of you are like "family, you idiot" well.yes, but i'm sure family is a best friend to those of you.
so shush, i'm no idiot.

i guess i want to say
don't take those close to you for granted. they are what help you get through life.
andddd...
i love you.

this is a list.

ever want something so bad that you'll do anything to have "it"?
maybe you'll bend the rules, maybe you'll completely start living a different life. either way; it's stupid.
i'm sorry, thats just how i feel.
don't ever change. especially not for anyone. if someone is making you change, they're not worth it, no matter how fantastic you think they are. wouldn't they be even more fantastic if they could love you for you?
hmmmm
NEXT!
don't be silent.

maybe this makes no sense to you. but it is refreshing to me. sometimes i think we get shut down, so we shell up.
thats gotta stop.

another thing:
whats with not going for our dreams, or our desires?
think about it.i have dreams in my life.
but so often i don't go for them, thinking they'll never happen or soemthing. thinking it's stupid.
WHY?
why not go for them?why not try to acheive what my heart desires?
why not step out.
because, if i forget one dream, i'm just going to get another. then another....
why not start living

speaking of desires makes me think of my heart.
what a funny thing.
my heart and my mind are missing a line for communication or something.
but it's honestly okay, because God's got them. both my mind and my heart.

OH!
someone said something about strippers today.
like how they didn't care if their boyfriend went...like once to check it out...or if he went when he was single.
why?
maybe i've been reading too many dating books by these super christian men, but don't you want a guy who respects you before he's even met you?
like even if he's single, he wouldn't want to do that, because he knows it'll hurt you down the road?
thats a reallll man!
just consider it.

Well all I have to say
About these serious days
And the condition of my heart
Is there both still as much a mystery to me
And they both get so hard
When I forget what its like just to die in your eyes
And when I live just to live in your arms
Well they say that a man can never go home
But I just can't get out of your front yard

What if I could be
Something more than me
They say that I got a disease
Of the human kind
Maybe all I know is
In your arms and in your eyes
I'm more than alive

I think John Mark McMillan just summed up so much of what i'm feeling

e.e. cummings

if i love You
(thickness means
worlds inhabited by roamingly
stern bright faeries

if you love
me) distance is mind carefully
luminous with innumerable gnomes
Of complete dream

if we love each (shyly)
other, what clouds do or Silently
Flowers resembles beauty
less than our breathing

"I'll be back so soon you won't have time to miss me.
look after my heart---i've left it with you"

thats from eclipse.
i can't even explain how much joy that single phrase brings me.

hear this

when you're in a relationship of any sort, and you experience pain or hurt; but you choose to not get out; more pain or hurt is obviously inevitable. maybe you'll secretly hope it'll all disappear with time, but deep down the truth hurts so bad....knowing it will continue on.
now. when you finally decide to move on...this is where the hurts and pains and emotions get stronger. because it's no longer inevitable. you're not supposed to be effected anymore...you've cut off ties, you've forgotten, moved on.
but that doesn't happen. over time we heal, we get stronger and we get over it all
. i'm just saying i think it's harder to deal with the fact that it hurts to let go. because it shouldn't. all logic says we should be fine.
letting go is the hardest part.
if i knew why; i'd tell you. and i'd hope to take your pain away. but i don't

heart

Time can take it's toll on the best of us
Look at you you're growing old so young
Traffic lights blink at you in the evening
Tilt your head and turn it to the sun
Sometimes the T.V. is like a lover
Singing softly as you fall asleep
You wake up in the morning and it's still there
Adding up the things you'll never be

Time can take it's toll on the best of us
Look at you you're growing old so young
Traffic lights blink at you in the evening
You tilt your head and turn it to the sun
You disembark the latest flight from paradise
You almost turn your ankle on the snow
You fall back into where you started
Make up words to songs you used to know
So...

The hard luck god
You never had a chance you know
Incurable romantics never do
He held the flame I wasn't born to carry
I'll leave the dieing young stuff up to you
You get back on the latest flight to paradise
I found out, from a note taped to the door
I think I saw your airplane in the sky tonight
Through my window, lying on the kitchen floor.

Alright, I can say what you want me to,
(I want more)
Alright, I can do all the things you do,
(Give me more)
Alright, I'll make it all up for you,
I'm still in love with you,
I'm still in love with you,
(I want more)
Alright, I'll say you want me to,
(Give Me More)
Alright, I'll do all the things you do,
(I Want More From You)
Alright, I'll make it all up for you,
I'm still in love with you,
I'm still in love with you
-----------------------

i don't think i'm going to deny things anymore.
because i'm not trying to kid myself. i know the truth. it's my heart; i know what i feel.
but i'm almost trying to fool those around me.
trying to make myself feel better by not letting how i actually feel known.
i'm so tired of it

welcome to settlement

heres an opinion

i have a horrible view of myself. like i struggle with self image and what not.
i'm so sick of worrying that i'm not "woman enough" for a guy, or whatever the heck i think.
like i'm not pretty enough, or i'm not classy or athletic, i've even thought of...God forbid; i'm not funny enough. i actually used to tell God that i felt sorry for the guy who got "stuck" with me or the one had to "settlle" with me.

i realize that it's all the devil, and i was stupid.but i got a new view. i may never have complete confidence. i may never get over all my insecurities; i'm only human. so i may have to live with not always feeling beautiful. but i can almost use that to my advantage!
go figure.
listen.
in a way, my thinking is right; a guy will be settling when he ends up with me.
we all desire perfection in our "partner", but thats impossible.
we are all human.
i have such high expectations for the man thats going to be in my life. like, i almost imagine him as perfect. big shocker here...he wont be. so in that aspect; i'll be settling.
i KNOW noone is perfect, i'm not stupid; but i think secretely deep down i hope my mr. right will be the single exception.

okay. thats about all.
i don't suggest you start to lower your standards
and this isn't some excuse to hate yourself.i'm not even saying it's okay to look down upon yourself. NEVER think less of yourself.
but even in the horror insecurities have hope. because it's a big world. you're not alone. when some major hottie ends up with some other major hottie it's not perfect....she will never be perfect.neither will he. oh look, it's almost like they will settle for second best (just not actually)
glory!

but for now. none of this REALLY matters to me. well obviously it does; becuase i'm talking about it. but theres so so much more to life

heartache or whatever

ever feel like absolutely everything is out of control?





I'm on the corner waiting for a light to come on
that's when i know that you're alone
it's cold in the desert water never sees the ground
special ones walk on without sound

told me you love me, that i'd never die alone
hand over your heart let's go on
everyone knowed it everyone has seen the signs
i've always been known to cross lines

i never ever cried when i was feeling down
ive always been scared of the sound
jesus don't love me no-one ever carried my load
im too young to feel this old

nobody knows
nobody sees
nobody but me

.

I came to the world with nothing

and i leave with nothing but love

everything else is just borrowed