i'm sick today- and i'm alone. i'm not entirely sure where my parents are- they are good at picking up and leaving for a week at a time without giving me many details. everyone is at work or school. so i am alone. i've reached the point where i am counting my split ends-just because i can. watching t.v. hurts my head-same with reading. this sucks.
i don't even know what i'm sick with. someone told me they are convinced this is my body telling me to give up. i'm exhausted. and i'm hungry all the time. maybe i'm pregnant? (actually, i'm not. i'm nowhere near pregnant. i was closer to getting pregnant when i was 6 and my friend adam was running after my with a bucket of worms demanding i eat them than i am now. what a humbling thought. here i am- at the ripe old age of 21 and i'm just as lame as when i was 14.) my body is a wreck. not just the regular grey hair and rash hands (actually the hands have been not all bad)- i've caught this new "thing" i refer to it as "rash leg" and yes, it's just as disgusting as it sounds. i thought it was a cat allergy-stupid people with stupid cats- but i've realized it's not. because i have it now. i am nowhere near a cat. something is wrong. i think my mom is convinced i have an eating disorder. she keeps asking me why i'm losing weight. just what i need- motherdearest on my back. i've started the most unhealthy diet known to man-kind so i can gain some weight just to have opinions not be negative- cause others have noticed to. basically- i love dill pickle crispers all the time. if you haven't tried them- please do. you wont regret it (be warned- they don't help with weight gain.....)
back to the "giving up" thing. i don't really know where i will start. i've been winding up pretty much all summer. it started not to long before zach dearest- and he just made it worse- well not him, i can't blame him- but me with him. how i felt and what i thought...it was me beginning to stress. then august came. and i became weird. i turned off emotion for most of that month- i honestly don't even remember what happened for the last half of that month. i know i cried a lot of tears, and i had to ask a lot of people for forgiveness which sucks. i will admit that. admitting you have been wrong, and you've screwed up- and leaving it at just that- with no intention to defend yourself is hard. luckily august ended fast. i'd like to think i grew a lot this summer- but i didn't. thats really all i can say. i did learn. i learnt a lot. but it's taken time for me to apply things to my life.
rebecca and i have been talking about trust. yes, we were talking trust in a dating relationship. when to trust, when to draw the line, blah blah (we've been watching laguna beach- and jessica trusted jason even though she knew he was trouble) but it got me to thinking. because no matter how much we trust someone with other people, if we don't trust them with ourselves it's pointless. if i have a boyfriend, who despite being told otherwise, i trust him. i believe he won't cheat- or whatever, then i am at the same time trusting that he likes me. so for me, with issues i've had for many years- i can't trust. how can i truly believe someone will be faithful, and not fool around, or not turn out to be a complete asshole if i can't even believe he likes me? at this point in my life, this is all irrelevant, but i know, one day it will matter. probably thats why i have to start giving up now. i can't keep fooling around with people because i'm insecure. thats the bottom line. my issues are starting to hurt people. partially because i'm stupid. partially because i'm realizing i'm not all bad- and i have control in some situations.
anyways. i've blabbed lots. too much. i hit too many random thought just now. i read it- and it's all confusing, but i don't care. thats kinda my brain right now. i'm very much so done with my job- and i'm full of thoughts for whats next- but not so full of motivation. typical dara.
