ever do this? it's so refreshing and disheartening at the same time. because you have to look at where you are, where you were, and where you'd like to be.
shall we begin?
honestly, i've grown so so much lately. it's not like "oh gosh, i've gotten mature and sensitive" more like, i'm becoming a woman. a real woman. hard to believe, i know. i've gotten some independence, but i think that just comes with age and life experience, nothing too thrilling. what is thrilling though, is that i gained some confidence. i'm learning to believe i have value. i always say " i used to hate myself" thats really me just being annoyingly vague. it's not that i hated myself. i just didn't think i had anything worth liking about myself, right? i honestly thought i had no value. everyone was only nice to me because they felt sorry for me, i wasn't pretty (not ugly, just nothing remotely beautiful about myself to offer) my personality was somewhat of a dud, my opinion didn't really matter.
God has basically taken all those insecurities and said "lie,lie,lie,lie,lie,lie"
and you know what? i believe Him.
sorry folks, i do have value. and sometimes i can be damn funny.
i wear my bangs back!!!!! (this is amazing)
i don't have a big ego or anything. i just know God made me so unique, and i bring things to the table noone else can. i honestly can't tell you how liberating it feels to sit here and know people love me. oh my jesus; halleluijah! i think God had been teaching me so much about loving everyone all this time, so i can understand love. so i can realize i'm loved. so good.so good. so good.
obviously i'm not 100%. healed. is that possible? maybe thats the wrong word, because when you are healed, you are healed. maybe i AM healed, it's just taking a little longer for some scars to disappear or something (okay, i'm done trying to be poetic or whatever) yes, i've gotten some confidence. i can look in the mirror and believe what i see is beautiful. but i have problems believing thats what everyone else can see. so maybe i don't reall believe it myself? something somewhere along the line is still no in order. but really, it's all good in the hood. no more hating myself.
okay. what else.what else, what else.
looking at old journals, i often talked about repetition, like "jesus, i'm tired of having to ask for forgivness for this issure." or "God, i know i promised this time i'd read my bible for real, this time the change would come from my heart and i would really be living my life all for you..."but that never happened. i'm sad to report nothing has changed there. but really, i think i've given up on running back everytime something is wrong...and i think i'm not running back, because i've got nowhere to run, he's right in front of me. i'm less focused on doing everything perfect in God's eyes, i'm more focused on the fact that i'm in Hs eyes...if that makes sense.
i'm talking to my brother on facebook right now. about relationships! haha. he just got out of a doosie, and his attitude is hilarious, i'm actually learning a lot. thats something else new with me. i talk with my brother. like we're having conversations. we never used to, it was so awkward...now that i'm becoming interested in older men though, it's easier for me!! (thats a joke. sort of? i'm not really sure anymore)
i can get over things! BREAKTHROUGH!
who ever thought the day would come when the neverending crush- or creep- or whatever the heck i had would end! it's funny, because i feel like i "tried" to get over it for so long i guess i probably didn't actually want it to end, but i wanted it to calm at least) then BOOM one day i'm over it, not even taking a look back. relief.relief.relief. i just pray it's not a cycle. i'd like to put creep Dara to res for eternity.
well. i really want to continue. there are many topics i've yet to cover. but it's definitely bed time
all in all. i think i'm doing okay. of course, i'm not perfect. but thats nothing new.
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