wind up: We are His portion and He is our prize

well my fine forest friends; we've made it through another year. two thousand and nine was neat. i don't really think i have any other words in my not-so-vast vocabulary to describe it.
i learnt a few things. many of which i've already shared.i tend to share with the world wide web as i learn. maybe i'll start updating my facebook status every five seconds. then absolutely everyone i know will know all my deepest thought. ...i'm thinking of a certain loverboy... teehee *shifts eyes so not as to look stupid**....YEAH. i'll be a bigger hit than i already am.
i realized that God is good. God is ALWAYS good. nothing changes that. and no matter how many times i think i've grasped it, i haven't. i can't understand how good He really is. i understand that "of course it's easy for you to say God is good, what bad thing has he ever done to you?..." but alas, i Dara Rael Decksheimer have issues. yes, i'm not perfect. i'm not blaming God, because God is good. i'm blaming my lack of faith. not to say that anything bad that happens happens because you don't believe in God, so He punished you...i'm not saying that at all. but i'll admit, i've had it pretty easy thus far. but i've still had problems, and Father, in His goodness is guiding me through. it's not like i don't struggle. sometimes being stable and so sure about things is hard. i feel like a hypocrite lots. i feel so strong about some things, yet the line can get foggy if i need it to. i wish i could blame that on human nature, well i suppose i can; but thats not right at all. i can't take everything wrong i do and say i couldn't help it. or it's fun. noooo biggie. because thats not the life of love i'm called to live. a God as good as mine didn't create me to live out of my "human nature" flesh. say "no" to fleshy ways. they corrupt the deepest longing of our soul. trust me.

speaking of deepest longing of our soul.....love.love.love.love.love
passionate unmistakably beautiful love.
it's nothing less than that. but it's so so so much more.

i'm still really excited to fall in love with a boytoy. but it's not important. i know at one point it was. i have read so many "womans issues" books these past few years, it's disgusting. they all talk about how we don't need a man. we don't need to date, lets all court and meet our husband when we are 20, but until then, realize that Jesus is your prince chamring, and he is your boyfriend, and your fiance. i guess the idea is good. kinda like don't lose hope, having a husband isn't all that this life is about. find yourself in God first. but i found reading this again and again became somewhat depressing. i can't learn ina book how to be content with myself. how to give up all that i am and live only in God's embrace. i mean, i can get step by step guidelines, but it's not what creates change in me. i get that everyone is different, and maybe these: woman rule, boys suck, we don't need you, we have jesus book really do help people.i just realized things. some from books some from life i get that everyday i am single. every moment i'm not with a "partner" i'm growing, i'm learning. i'm becoming the best woman i can possibly be. so really, the longer i wait, the better i'll get. i am praying i get good at cooking, or cleaning, or laundry..or driving..you know, typical wife stuff...
i'm excited to grow so much more. i'm excited to see my friends and family grow. to mature and become all they are meant to be. i'm getting to the age where life is really starting, like 20 is when shit goes down. the next 20 years my life is going to change more than i'll ever want. but i can't help it.thats just life. and i'm stoked! (yes, stoked..i'm sick of saying excited)

I believe people are in our lives for a reason. God blessed me with my friends,with little bundles of lovable joy for a greater purpose that to "hang" with. they challenge me, they "complete me"! and i can never take this for granted.

Psalm 138:8 really got to me.
The LORD will fulfill his purpose for me;
your love, O LORD, endures forever—
do not abandon the works of your hands

i'm destined for greatness. we are all destined for greatness, and we must settle for nothing less.take passions and desires, ideas, thoughts, motives, anything really and tune that into the song that God is mastering over your life;with your life. maybe that doesn't make sense. but i kinda see it like we all have this grand song that God is conducting. it's so so beautiful. we can take it where we want it to go, but it's best left in the Grand Masters hands. doesn't He know beauty best? He is beauty, He shows us beauty isn't not defined by anything. beauty is beauty. we are all beautiful. no questions. doens't it make sense that the creator of everything wonderful would know how to make our song perfect? it's a song of love. one thats been sung since the beginning of time, but one that changes as we change. it's glorious! i'm excited about this whole song idea. because it gives Him a chance to dance with us, so to say, to take us back to out first love. our true love in the great romance that we have created together. so yes, everything we are given, take that and pour it into this love. this song. thats why we are here. find the greatness you are destined for. search high and low through that vast love of your Creator to find what life really is. what greatness really is. no pushing back, no doubt or worry. let Him in and let Him love. all the passions and desire and ideas and thoughts and motives and longing, everything is satisfied here. in him. this is all he desires. intimacy with us. it's so so so so so exciting.
thats all that matters. living our life under God's love, His blessing. don't take it for granted. live with purpose.

so. my prayer for you in this next year is that you love. that you make your song, your romance beautiful. that you taste Heavens kisses, and that you continue to read my blog.

one of the awkward photos of the year

newbies

i'm not going to say much.
i'll save that for my last post of 2009!
but. i'm listening to some new misty edwards stuff...(the one who sings...."you wont relent until you have it all..my heart it youns"..and the one " i don't want to talk about you like your not in the room...give me dove's eyes" and so on...
so anyways. just today she released i guess it's like two new cd's? it's late, so i haven't taken the time to look into what they actually are. and why they were not released as one.
i don't care though.they are simply stunning. go buy it.
it's good. i promise.
(am i ever wrong when it comes to music? i think not)

Our Fairytale we'll just leave open

all i ever wanted was to fly away with you
But I don't see how I could when, I can't even take my heart off of you.

can you imagine actually living like this?

What is more, I consider everything a loss compared to the surpassing greatness of knowing Christ Jesus my Lord, for whose sake I have lost all things. I consider them rubbish, that I may gain Christ and be found in him, not having a righteousness of my own that comes from the law, but that which is through faith in Christ—the righteousness that comes from God and is by faith. I want to know Christ and the power of his resurrection and the fellowship of sharing in his sufferings, becoming like him in his death, and so, somehow, to attain to the resurrection from the dead.

Not that I have already obtained all this, or have already been made perfect, but I press on to take hold of that for which Christ Jesus took hold of me.

-------------------------------------------------------------------------
Brothers, I do not consider myself yet to have The very credentials these people are waving around as something special, I'm tearing up and throwing out with the trash—along with everything else I used to take credit for. And why? Because of Christ. Yes, all the things I once thought were so important are gone from my life. Compared to the high privilege of knowing Christ Jesus as my Master, firsthand, everything I once thought I had going for me is insignificant—dog dung. I've dumped it all in the trash so that I could embrace Christ and be embraced by him. I didn't want some petty, inferior brand of righteousness that comes from keeping a list of rules when I could get the robust kind that comes from trusting Christ—God's righteousness. I gave up all that inferior stuff so I could know Christ personally, experience his resurrection power, be a partner in his suffering, and go all the way with him to death itself. If there was any way to get in on the resurrection from the dead, I wanted to do it. I'm not saying that I have this all together, that I have it made. But I am well on my way, reaching out for Christ, who has so wondrously reached out for me. Friends, don't get me wrong: By no means do I count myself an expert in all of this, but I've got my eye on the goal

i agree

GLEE!

for christmas i got two of the GLEE cd's. this was the BEST GIFT EVER.
glee is my favourite tv show. now i can take it with me in my car...in my room...on my jogs (jaykay)
anyways.
i need you all to love glee too. it isn't going to require me to force it. because it's amazing. no force will be needed. you just need to ecperience it. give it a chance.
these are two songs from one of my favorite episodes....they mix songs..you'll get the picture when you watch.okay.
(please be aware i am mainly putting these up so i have an excuse to watch them again and again and again.
i can't believe i have to wait until APRIL for more episodes!

straight in a straight line running back to you

i'm really excited for christmas. this year, it's just MY family. generally we tend to throw extended family into the mix, but as far as i know; this year that is not happening. don't get me wrong, i loveeee my extended family. but i REALLY love MY family. my parents. and brothers. and audrey poo. (thats my sister in law...not my dog) christmas time means holidays...which means days off work. haha. how patheic am i? i associate holidays with days off work before anything else. sorry baby Jesus. (not that He'd be offended...not really his birthday. sorry kids.)
i'm ready for a nice extended HOT holiday.FLORIDA PLEASE!?

everyday i wake up and say "why the hell do i live in Alberta?" honestly! why do i put up with this crap-excuse of weather year after year? the fact that i can't even run into a store for five minutes without having my car freeze is insanity. i'm a big girl, i should just pack up and move.... at least for the winter. i'm excited to get old. my hunky husband and i can RV to arizona every winter! how exciting will that be! yehawwwww. (yes, my husband will be hunky. i hope his name is hank. then he can be my hunky husband hank..."hunky" what a funny word. how it ever got associated with something good-looking i'll never know. probably some sexist woman. like hunk is a chunk...is it not? we are talking about a large chunk of man when we say hunky. and i think it's yummy!...or at least will be yummy....)

please don't drink and drive! haha.
i see far too many people my age with DUI'S...it's not just the stereotype old drunk man who gets them. go figure. don't be stupid.
okay? okay

Just say that we agree and then never change

And suddenly I become a part of your past
I'm becoming the part that don't last
I'm losing you and its effortless
Without a sound we lose sight of the ground
In the throw around
Never thought that you wanted to bring it down
I won't let it go down till we torch it ourselves

again,and again. and again.

Don't know why I'm still afraid
If you weren't real I would make you up
now
I wish that I could follow through
I know that your love is true
And deep
As the sea
But right now
Everything you want is wrong,
And right now
All your dreams are waking up,
And right now
I wish I could follow you
To the shores
Of freedom,
Where no one lives.

Remember when we first met
And everything was still a bet
In love's game
You would call; I'd call you back
And then I'd leave
A message
On your answering machine

But right now
Everything is turning blue,
And right now
The sun is trying to kill the moon,
And right now
I wish I could follow you
To the shores
Of freedom,
Where no one lives

Freedom
Run away tonight
Freedom, freedom
Run away
Run away tonight

me like

this is my favourite song. no matter what mood i am in, it makes me feel good. the lyrics, just everything is perfect.



t's the #1 on my itunes. #2 i taylor swift...crazier! haha...then how he loves.
the songs i listen to again and again and again are perfect. thats why i can't get enough!
(FYI broken strings is four!)

my mind is a weird place

the things i think up are just CRAZY.

when it's winter, i only listen to cd's in my car. and they are always chrisitan cd's.

winter driving is generally not fun. BUT Alberta winter in a tiny car is way beyond not fun.

for some reason, i am convinced that listening to worship music will keep my safe.

like "well God, i'm listening to a worship song, so letting me crash wouldn't be a good idea" almost like i'm doing my part, so He should do His (wrong, i know)

it's like a security blanket.

i guess whenever i listen to the "good stuff" i have a calm wash over me. so i probably feel safe and calm while driving, thus i feel God will protect me from all snowdrifts, ice patches, ditches and large trucks that need to learn how to drive....

try it!

i love northcote

You may take the chance on your proffs, or the scene

on the good word you heard when you were young.

I may take a swing to knock it out of the park

‘cause I don’t know where it’s going but I like where we are....

The world is loose, so can I hold you tight?

While we’re finding our truth in the push and pull light

Our love is scolding compared to the cold walk downtown

Do u know where its going ‘cause I like what we’ve found....

I may come along, or stay till I’ve spun around

From the heartaches that shuffle and deal

If we loose control I’ll never be too far

I don’t know where it’s going but I like where we are....

this is why i live

God is patient, God is kind. He does not envy, He does not boast, He is not proud.He is not rude, He is not self-seeking, He is not easily angered, He keeps no record of wrongs. God does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. He always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres.God never fails.

good gravy

lately i've been looking up a few different "religions" i'm not sure if you can call them all religions. ideas maybe?

anyways. watching different movies, reading articles. much of it talking about how crazy christianity is. i like how it all makes my faith stronger. because as i watch, i catch myself saying "no. thats wrong. thats not God's heart. you don't understand why we believe what we believe" like on paper christianity can look a bit off. but really. it's not about that. haha. such a cheap answer!

currently i have the movie ZIETGEIST playing.

it's funny, because it talks about how the world is evil, and the world looks to the wrong places for answers. how we, as a society have been lied to for years. they say the biggest of lies come from religion. the whole part i've seen so far (the firs hour) talk about how "religion" is wrong.

yet. they only touch on christianity. i'm flattered, really. but what about all the other bozo's out there? don't they get their shining moment to be proven wrong? i thought it was weird.

i was checking out the website...the new venus project or something? i didn't fully understand. but anyways. this movie is a load of shit. and i'm not saying that because it completely says everything i believe is a lie. it's actually a load. even people who don't believe what i believe will tell you it's a load. but it's so sad. because when someone says something, stating it to be fact. everyone believes it.a voice on a random movie says "this had been proven true. and this has been proven false. Jesus did not exist" and suddenly you have followers agreeing. remember when Obama was the antichrist and oprah was the one to introduce him into the world?

obviously it's the whole "sheep" thing. each man chooses what he believes. it's just the same with me. i've been taught God since i was born. i believe it because he's so real to me. but origionally it was al what i was told. there are too many lost souls looking or any sort of answer.

now it's talking about 9/11. how it's all wrong.

i feel sick. so i'm not going to say anything else

with one touch you stole my heart away

i will be with you forever.

and nothing else will matter as i'm falling in love with you.

after ten thousand years i'll tell you one again "the day you found me is the day i first lived."

damn virus

i took this wildly attractive photo to show my poor poor lips.

it's so sad. they hurt, and i want it to all go away.

but for me, bad lips and yucky coldsores are a part of being sick.

so they will get better when i get better.

THIS IS TO GET YOU IN THE CHRISTMAS SPIRIT! YAYYYY

i hear in my mind all these voices

and by protecting my heart truly

i got lost in the sounds

and it breaks my heart

And you say we're too young, but maybe you're too old to remember

today i had to use my credit card at the dollar store!

how funny is that??

basically i ran over from work...to buy santa hats for work, and i forgot my debit card at home.

big shame if i had to not buy ten dollars worth of santa hats.....

plastic rules.

Mastercard has yet again saved my life.

thankkkkkk you

freely you have received, freely give

you have been treated generously, so live generously.

do our hearts know something we don't?

This is our love
Hearts joined as one
Desperate for all You are
break down these walls
And see how we love
Desperate for all You are
We chase Your heart

a great thing just got a little more great.

oopsie

google analytics just taught me something really funny.

generally i just look to see how many people look at my blog. (not many)

but today i found that if someone is logged into a blog, and they view your blog...it tells you the blogger who is looking.....THIS i did not know.

i don't actually know if this is true. i just saw a few names i didn't know.(well, i don't ACTUALLY know...yet i feel like i do, because i frequent their page...)

super creep.

i wish i was smarter...then i would know what the hell was happening to my supposed to not be viewed by anyone but myself blog...(not that i'd take time to set it to private. i wouldn't want to disappoint my public)

so alllll those random blogs i creep and love.....from clicking on various peoples links...they can all see me. and that i visit their site regularily! and that i have no clue who they are!!

that is if they take the time to look this up. but i do, so i imagine others do as well.

this is an official apology to anyone who doesn't want me on their page.

don't make your stuff so damn addicting.

thanks.

don't forget to dream with your eyes wide open

i want to know your heart

i'm reading a really good book. i'll talk more about it later.

but something i read made a lot really clear.

i'm not going to quote the book. i'm just going to take the general idea and say what i believe. (NOTE: i've read half of a chapter. haha)

soooooo.

i'm on a roll where i am convinced a vast majority of "christians" have their "religion" wrong.

probably because i don't feel like a true "christian" follows a set of rules from a "religion"....i don't have many words in my theological dictionary...sorry. basically it's the good ol' "relationship, not religion" thing.

not that i'm right, and everyone is wrong. but we miss the big picture. we miss that God isn't up there judging us. he doesn't hate us, or condemn us or think of ways to torture us. He doesn't sit there and break promises, or hearts os whatever.

i think we break His heart. by just being us.

by missing who He IS by such a long shot. by completely missing love.

(not that we can do whatever. but....we can do whatever. thats one of the beautiful things about my faith i will never understand. i think you hit a point, where you realize how great your creator loves you, that everything else melts away, and you don't have the problem of doing "whatever", because you are simply walking in God's love...but until then.....)

you know when a friend has a toy that you want? or someone has money.....so you become "friends" with them.not really friends, but you pretend, so you can reap the rewards.

aren't we the same??

God is that kid with the toy...or the person with money. but it's not a toy or money. it's Heaven. it's and eternity of freedom.

we pretend to like Him, to love Him. pretend to follow Him, so we don't rot in Hell, so we appear to have hope . it's not real.

we know it, Father knows it, yet we continue living in denial.

i can't blame it all on the innocent sheep. there are lies all over the place. maybe not lies intentionally being told. not everyone has grasped God yet. (not that anyone will ever completely grasp it all)

when someone has a problem, we direct them to prayer or "the word." i'm not yet convinced what the answer is when someone has a problem, but telling them to read the word more can't always fix it.

i'm convinced of that. because that reduces your relationship to words in a book. nothing more. (this isn't me telling you to not read your Bible. i guess i'm saying there is more to God than that)

find your truth. and then you will find your peace. and isn't peace what we all want? i find my truth thinking back to creation. the garden. thats where my peace it. but i'm a wee bit crazy...

maybe i'm so off here. i don't know. i'm figuring it all out. when i know more, i'll let you know.

i'm not saying you have to believe me. maybe you have everything sorted. you can see past the lies, into the life of love that God has called you to live. and thats great, but i think it's time to lead others into that same life. because it's sort of a big deal.

i'm sure this just seems rhetorical by now. i feel like all i talk about is love. but i have to. it's what matters. it's what i believe in. it changes lives, and i want everyone to fell it.

He loves us.

thank you whitney houston

I WAS NOT BUILT TO BREAK